is it worth it?

Alright, it's time for some reflection I guess. For the past 4 years, I gave up opportunities, just so that I could help set up a culture for the school. I changed not only my decisions, but also my way of life and personality, to tell the school that I would be there to help them build up what they need to build up, and set down what is needed. In the first year, I accepted 3 leadership positions, sleeping less in 3 days than I usually sleep in a day, just to get things going. 

Scouts: we started with nothing. Absolutely nothing. In a year, we changed 3 different teacher mentors. Only i was left to make sure that everything flowed smoothly. I personally trained my juniors, forcing myself to relearn things that I probably would never need in my life. This set the foundations of the present scout troop. 

House: how many people knew I was the house captain of 2005? Most, even within Nobel itself, thought I was the vice captain. The shit I put in, staying up till 1am to call everyone down, not an easy job. At least i had the help of my co captain to do the showy stuff, which of course led everyone to think that I was a nobody. We got first in 2005, whatever the school said. 

Council: pretty much my pride and joy. Joined in 2005 because i befriended the right people. But at least I was in. Met 3 friends, who with me, organised one of the best youth days in the history of our school. I will never forget them. watched council rise, fall, rise again, always with it. sat till 9pm to stock take council supplies. stayed till 10 to ensure that programmes went well. stressed over limited resources. never once complained about the lack of recognition. just because i was the least public centred of the lot.

now i look back, how much have i put in? how much could i have done to bring up my name? should i be as glory hunting as the others? i could do less, and still get more in return. anyway, this is how life works no? 

my first team in council: yingzhen, yunzhi, nat. All three have been awesome in many ways. just take a closer look at the awards given out on the 1st of december. outstanding contribution. turns out ultimately, i still haven't done enough to stand out from the remaining 80% of the level. to the school, i'm still just a face in the crowd. just another one of the could be's. 80% of the level, at least a fifth of them never done a single thing for the school. i can't differentiate myself from them. pathetic. i could have rejected the responsibilites. i could have taken a backseat in council, scouts, house. would that make any difference in what the school is now? let someone else take the lead. i would have more time, more sleep, less pain, but no less recognition. because in terms of recognition, i have already hit rock bottom. perhaps, my grades might even have been better, i might even be able to break into the distinction category. oh look, MORE recognition for doing less. 

School: please don't give me false hopes. "because of your contribution to the school, we have decided to put you as vice president for alumni" was that to pacify me? because i think it's failed. 5 students given the award of outstanding contribution. 60% of them NOT in the alumni. ms valedictarian: NOT in alumni. they contributed so much already. why not let THEM lead the alumni? honestly speaking. you just had to pick 4 people from the list of volunteers, and give reasons for why you chose them. please give honest answers. "we needed to find people. we rolled some dice. you came up" will do. i can take it. telling me something you don't believe in. that, i won't. 

4 years of my time in NUS High School. 3 years, attention was directed only at the school's wellbeing. last year to try and save my own sorry ass from the depths of "just another face". looks like it wasn't enough. was it worth it?